Yesterday I failed to plan. This morning I am sipping coffee as salty tears stream down my cheeks. My tears are not because I failed to plan. I failed to plan because my heart was hurting and comforting my heart was more important than my to-do list and the calendar that still is void of color. All I could muster is the cream in my coffee and seeking wisdom and comfort in my meditation. The past seven days were stormy for sure!
I am ready for my roots to dig in deeper. My tall and beautiful friend, Shelley, left us too soon. Unexpected. Fast. Just like the storm that has raged around all of us caught in the bubble.
I realize even more now why I was led to focus 2018 around the words Strength and Dignity. As I chose my way into the year I was recognizing the generational legacy of my mother and grandmother. I wanted to honor them in living onward and upward.
Today, I lost my friend who treated me like a sister for more than 25 years. She was tall and steady like the strongest of well-rooted trees. She raised three amazing children with a dignity I strived to emulate while I have raised mine.
She taught me to love and be courageous in the way she lived. She was there to pick me up in every misstep I made. Her adult children have been a part of my extended family and that family has grown as they have had children of their own. Have I lost you? Don’t be! It takes a village. My village grows with each new generation. She loved our village fiercely. In my meditation and coffee sipping I renew my personal commitment in my focus to stay strong and carry on loving her children and the village we formed with her still in the roots of it all.
So I didn’t plan the week. This is not a failure. It is simply recognizing the need to mourn and be kind in self care. My heart aches and I am instead allowing myself space to grieve. I don’t need my planner for that. I am forgiving myself and taking each day as they come. One at a time. The planner pages, the washi, the colored pens, and the stickers will be waiting for me when I am ready.
This week I may spend time in my journal accounting memories. I will meditate. I will promise to continue. I will lean on the strength she always gave me. I will celebrate her. I will continue to love everyone with her passion. I will wear red, our favorite color. I will, simply put, miss her.